If My Heart Could Speak for Itself

Most of you know I battle depression—this is the thorn in my side (2 Corinthians 12:6-10) God has asked me to bear. To bear so He can boast in my weakness and to bear so I can trust in Him to deliver me. And I know there is a great story in all of this just waiting to be revealed as well.

But right now, depression and I are dancing again.

I am hurting; feeling defeated and depleted.

But thankfully this season isn’t as bad as the last.

Or so it seems.

Unfortunately for me, I am a stuffer. I stuff and stuff and stuff until there is no more room and all of the funk I’ve stuffed begins to pour out. Especially as the seasons change and turn grey.

There is at least one thing I have learned from my experience in seasons past: don’t hide. Depression loves darkness, so once again, I bring my pain to light—in order for others to know you’re not alone and so I know that I am not alone either.

Some day I will learn stop stuffing and learn to avoid the harder parts of these seasons—but for now, I take refuge in Him and the little things He uses to reveal Himself. No, I didn’t find Him on my iron (heck, I don’t even know how to iron). Instead, He grabbed me through a singer and a song I had never heard before:

I heard this song on the way into work this morning—and it took everything within me to not simply burst into tears. I hadn’t heard of JJ Heller before now, but after discovering this song, the first thing I did when I came into work was buy the whole album. I was not disappointed with that decision. Such soulful and at the same time, sweet praises to our God.

Maybe this song will speak something into your heart or maybe it won’t. But I thought I would share it as a piece of my heart in my present season. If my heart could speak for itself, it would recite these words:

(rss or facebook readers: there’s a video here)

JJ Heller’s “Your Hands”

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

I am thankful for a Good God, good friends, good music and the victory that is to come.